Scenes of Parody and Possible Hilarity
by dmitri
Summary: some scenes of parody! very silly! each chapter is a new scene. warnings at the moment: char. death, SSPS


_**AN:** ok, these are some very silly little oneshots, compiled into a story. each chapter is a different scene, and is entirely independent of the others, so don't expect any of them to follow on (unless i say they do)!_

_please, don't kill me - i'm just having a laugh!!_

_Disclaimer: not mine, not even in a parallel universe! ok?_

* * *

**Lemon Drops**

The meeting. No-one wanted to go, but it didn't stop the fact that each and every week the four Heads of House and the Headmaster would meet in Dumbledore's office. It was the same that fateful Wednesday evening.

"Damn passwords – 'Drooble's Best Blowing Gum'? I swear he gets madder each time, either that or more sadistic. He must know how embarrassing it is for us to stand next to a gargoyle and say the name of a moronic sweet," ranted Minerva.

"Quite right. It's not as if we don't have better things to do, rather than attend these useless meetings," agreed Professor Sprout.

"Absolutely, Pomona. I mean, I'm sure you could think of something you'd rather be doing with Severus right now, eh?" Two furious glares flew her way.

"Hang on . . ." squeaked Flitwick, jumping a little so as not to be ignored.

"Oh bugger! You told me that in confidence didn't you? Whoops!"

"You and Severus are . . ." Filius, started pulling at Pomona's robes. His height was such an annoyance when it came to gossiping!

"Minerva, don't pretend you didn't mean to do that. You have been bursting to let it 'accidentally' slip to Filius for weeks. He's the biggest . . . ahem . . . _loudest_ gossip in the whole of the faculty, including Albus." The Potions Master's voice shook slightly with anger. Neither he nor Pomona wanted their relationship spread around the school, least of all by the currently levitating, absurdly small Charms Professor. That man's mind . . .

Flitwick giggled with excitement, as the other three teachers continued their argument. No-one noticed Albus' door open, a fact that annoyed the Headmaster immensely. How was he supposed to open a door dramatically, if no-one was watching?

Infuriated, not least since this meeting was cutting into his valuable embroidery time, he slammed the door shut. Filius squealed and dropped heavily to the ground, his levitation charm thrown off. He was instantly knocked unconscious. Dumbledore opened the door once more, with a flourish, and beckoned the shocked teachers inside.

"Smooth, headmaster," drawled Severus.

"Yes, done with a real . . . flair," said Pomona, sycophantically.

Minerva just glared, and picked up Filius off the floor.

Albus gave them a skilled look, which quite clearly said 'fuck you all' while maintaining an eerie smile. He hadn't defeated Grindelwald by paying attention to Scottish bints, tiny virgins, slutty Herbologists and sexless, hook-nosed, greasy-haired . . . something. He was damned if Severus merited a coherent thought.

"Sit, sit" Dumbledore pointed to four chairs, then flicked his long robes around him and bustled over to his own, self massaging chair. People had long wondered where the twinkle in his eyes came from – in reality, he was just shaking so much that the light reflecting off his irises jittered.

"Lemon drop?"

"No thank you," answered Pomona. The others simply shook their heads vehemently.

"WHAT?"

Silence.

"Why don't you people ever want a lemon drop? WHY? What did I ever do to you? Come to that, what did the LEMON DROPS ever do to you?"

"A-Albus," started Minerva, tentatively, "We'll have one if you really . . ."

"Oh you'd like that wouldn't you? Taking sweets out of . . . pity!"

"Well, more fear really," muttered Severus.

"AVADA KEDAVRA" shrieked Dumbledore. Severus slumped in his chair.

"Albus?" cried McGonagall. She fell sideways off her chair after another jet of green light hit her squarely in eye.

"Any more clever comments?"

Pomona sat, hardly daring to breathe. Walking slowly towards her Dumbledore stuck out his left arm, wand still in his right. He pinched her arm repeatedly, waiting. Eventually she let out a small whimper.

"Aha! AVADA KEDAVRA!"

A small groan came from the unconscious form of Flitwick. With Filius indisposed, there seemed no reason to attack him, as he hadn't really rejected the lemon drops. Dumbledore shrugged non-committedly, as yet another jet of green illuminated the room.

With a piercing gaze, Albus surveyed the room.

"Oh . . . bollocks."


End file.
